There is no warmth in unwanted touch. Flesh doesn’t rise to meet flesh, to greet warmly with small hairs standing up, reaching out eagerly. Unwanted touch is cold and foreign, hard and abrasive like sandpaper, like bones, like death.
I am in the tub. I can see myself from the corner of the ceiling. The smallness of me. My color the only color in the big white room. My hair damp and tight and I am smiling. No, I am not. I am not smiling. But I should be. I love the water. But I am not smiling.
I already know to keep my legs closed tight—my thigh muscles flexed. I am not smiling. I am waiting for him. Waiting for him to bend down and fall to his knees. Waiting for his dry hand to touch my shoulders. Cold. I cannot see him. My head is down or up and eyes straight ahead. I cannot see him. I will not feel him pry my legs apart with his dry cold hand. It is easy for him—one hand. I feel his bones, dry and hard underwater. He is between my legs and then inside me and I cannot see him. I can only feel his bones. He is hurting me.
I hear his breathing. Small pants like a dog after a quick run. Like a dog waiting for a treat. I hear him. His fingers hurt, but I won’t feel him. His breath comes faster, so eager, like a dog. And then he stops, each breath slowing. My legs come together tighter, so tight and then there is nothing until I hear the door close.
I hear myself sing softly. I see my hands spread flat and open. I see them smack the water and then there is water everywhere and I am shouting and splashing and singing so loud. And then she comes in. She is exasperated, her breathing fast and shallow.
“Look at this mess you’ve made! Get out of that tub, now!”
She reaches for me. I feel her grab my arm, almost flinging me from the tub to the tile, white and cold. The towel wraps quickly around me but I can still feel her fingers digging hard into my arm even though she is now drying me, only mildly upset at the water everywhere.
I think she is jealous, misreading my display as childhood freedom, self-expression, fun. So she smiles at me.
“I can’t believe you made such a mess.”
I can feel her fingers in my arm though she has walked away and I stand alone, wrapped in the towel, the floor wet.
She returns with a mop.
“Go to your room”.
I do this. I put on the pajamas she has laid out for me on the bed. I get into the bed, rubbing my arm where I still feel her fingers. I hear her sigh loudly.
Today, Oprah, on her show had security expert Gavin de Becker speaking about domestic abuse and violence. He spoke about the four signs that are often missed. Still, he says these are not the only signs a relationship may become violent. For a full assessment, please take Gavin’s MOSAIC test.
Bumps and bruises aren’t the only surefire signs you or someone you love is in a dangerous relationship. In fact, if your gut tells you something is wrong, it probably is.
Physical Violence
Many consider pushing or hitting a major clue that your partner is capable of violence—but Gavin says it’s more than that. “It is the end of the mystery. Being hit is conclusive. It’s over. The assessment is done,” he says. “Being hit doesn’t work in relationships, and it usually doesn’t get better.”
Symbolic Violence
Symbolic violence is the destruction of objects to intimidate the other person. ” The destruction of tearing up wedding pictures. You come home and the wedding gown is torn up,” he says. “[If someone throws] a television out a window, the message is, ‘I can throw you out the window.’”
Fast-Paced Relationships
If you think you could be in a dangerous relationship, look back at when the other person began discussing marriage, moving in together and having children. “When the pace is accelerated like that in the beginning, that is itself a control strategy,” he says. “And women feel uncomfortable and they’ll tell you: ‘Yeah, I felt it was a little bit fast, but what could I do? He loved me so much.’”
Persistence If he won’t take no for an answer, it’s not because he’s smitten. “Anybody who doesn’t hear the word no is trying to control you,” Gavin says. “Persistence does not mean you are special. Persistence means he is troubled.”
Gavin says the word “no” is different for men and women. “When a man says no, it is the end of a discussion. When a woman says no, it is the beginning of a negotiation,” he says. “A woman who buckles there … is likely to buckle again and again and again. And he learns when you say no you don’t mean no.”
Gavin says some women misinterpret persistence as flattery. “What do most women do with persistence is they say: ‘Well, he calls me so often. He writes to me so often. He’s always talking about me. He’s always getting me gifts,’” he says. “Gifts like a car that he owns, he controls—he’s got the navigation system on. Gifts like a phone [so] that he can tell where you are, that he can always reach you.”
Need help? Visit TheHotline.org or call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE
Urge Congressional leaders to support the International Violence Against Women Act and ensure that Congress passes it without delay. The legislation will empower women to claim fundamental human rights. With the necessary resources for medical care, counseling, economic opportunities and education, women and girls can win in the fight against violence.
Trauma can be anything that penetrates our psyche. It is defined as a stressful occurrence that would cause stress to anyone; such as serious threat to one’s life or physical integrity; serious threat or harm to one’s children, spouse, or other close relatives or friends; sudden destruction of one’s home or community; seeing another person who is seriously injured or killed as the result of an accident or physical violence, and illnesses and surgeries that affect the body.
Experiencing trauma can be the result of a single overwhelming event to the more complicated effects of prolonged and repeated abuse, such as emotional, physical, verbal, and/or sexual abuse.
The healing of trauma depends upon the recognition of its symptoms, yet the ordinary response to pain and trauma is to banish them from consciousness- to forget about it. Pain and trauma, however refuses to be forgotten and can not be denied as the trauma often resurfaces in other ways in our life. Either through violent outbursts, addictions, feeling numb and disconnected, and/or self destructive behaviors.
It is difficult to comprehend how many people are affected by trauma. In a recent study of more than one thousand men and women, it was found that forty percent had gone through a traumatic event in the past three years. And many people have traumatic symptoms that go unrecognized. For example, ten to fifteen percent of all adults suffer from panic attacks, unexplained anxiety or phobias.
Today, most people are aware of the fact that sexual, physical, and emotional abuse, as well as exposure to violence or danger, can profoundly alter a person’s life. What most people don’t know is that many seemingly benign situations can be traumatic.
Not knowing we are traumatized doesn’t prevent us from having problems that are caused by it. Depression, anxiety, rage, and mental illness are often rooted in traumatic experiences.
It is important to understand our past in order to reclaim our present and future. If you feel that you have experienced trauma in your life, it is important to seek professional help.
To find therapists in your local area that specialize in the healing of trauma, visit the following websites for more information:
